I really dislike when we have time to just think and have our minds racing. I've had a few days to myself to just think and dream. In the mission we always joke about having a super Pday if we could just go to our houses for like 3 days or something see our families, eat the food we miss, and change our clothes out because we are sick of them. Here I am living the dream, and it sucks! I love being home with my family and seeing them but I would give anything to just be back in Nicaragua and back to working. At times I have thought and complained about being with a girl 24/7 because sometimes they just really get on my nerves but right now I would love to have my companion right next to my side.
I'm very lucky to have this time and this chance to really think about how my mission is going so far and what things I need to and want to change so that i can be a better person and a better missionary. For all those ex missionaries I know you would agree that having time to look and see things from a different perspective would help alot. Right now is just my half time and I am making my game plan to get back out there and playing my game and I'm going to win. I dont know why and I think alot of times why am I so blessed? why does Heavenly Father give me all these things I do not deserve them. I have my dream mission, great people I have met there, and now living the dream of some missionaries. Maybe I just have alot to learn.. I'll be the first one to say that I have alot alot to learn, I just hope and pray that one day I will able to learn it all.
Yesterday as I wrote in the mid of frustration and a breakdown I wasnt thinking clearing or understanding exactly what was going on with my back. To me having those fatty tumors is a serious thing, as my mom and others have explained to me that this right now is a big thing, this bulging disc right now we have catch it before it has gotten worse and before I had to get something fixed with surgery. With this shot they will be giving me on Monday will help strengthen and prolong and maybe help with this for now. As time goes on we can live on these shots or if things get worse I will be looking for surgery. I feel dumb because I am here in my house to get a shot in my back, but still after much praying trying to understand why I am here and praying to try and help me to understand why I am here why is this happening and if He could help me wrap my head around this. I have learned that I may not really understand why I am here at this time and may not get my answer until further down the road, now is just a time to push on and put my faith in the Lord and try to be the best I can and continue to serve and help others while I am here. Some of the reasons medically why I'm here is because of the pain, I am here because in Nicaragua they dont have the technology to be doing this, I will be getting a shot in the area they give you the shot when you are going to be having a baby. they will inject a dye and then the shot and we will know within a few days if it is working. I am postive it will and then I will be shortly back to the mission.
I'm very grateful for really good friends who have been there for me to help me through this and help me wrap my head a little around this and to calm me down.
One thing I havent done in a while is go to the temple I got to go to the Bountiful temple today with my mom, as we drove through the snow to the temple the peaceful and wonderful feeling the temple brings was something I had been missing for so many months. I love the temple, I love the tender mercies of the Lord and seeing His hand in my life. He hears you, continue to pray always.