I can not deny that the Lord loves me and hears prayers and answers them and that he prepares a way for men to accompish the things that he commands them to do. The last doctors appointment was today after getting right in to every doctor very quickly the first day I was home to the quick MRI to the specialist appointment today to read my MRI. I was for sure that it was the little lypoma tumors that were the things that were bugging me in my back and causing me to much pain. As the doctors were talking to us and doing the routine checks I was just thinking why am I even here I know whats wrong with me, I know how to fix it I need these lumps taken out and I am good to go. As the doctor continued to talk and explain that I have a bulging disk in my back and that is what is pushing on the nerves and that is what is hurting my back not the tumors. (so they say) I am having a very hard time excepting that answer and that with just a very little shot it will be fixed or wont hurt me anymore.
Heavenly Father has planned all this out for me we were able to get all the doctors quickly, we were able to get the quickest appointment for this shot even though the doctor was booked out for a few weeks. He made a change and he got me in early Monday morning. I cant say that Heavenly Father has left me alone but just right now I just feel so dumb, and so frustrated with all the is going on because I am home from my mission for a shot in my back. I feel dumb seeing people like others are judging me but also I am wasting the Lords time being here at my house. Its very hard for me to handle this and understand why this had to happen to me right now and I know I should never ask that but it just doesnt make sense to me.
There are good things about being in my house all the missionaries always are saying they wish they could be home for a few days and just see their families and get a fresh new look on the mission and things I need to change and to fix. Right now its just a test of faith I guess. Just like the scritpure that says my ways are not your ways neither are my thoughts your thoughts. Maybe I will be able to understand this down the road or maybe this is part of my mission to be serving here in my house to help my brothers and my family out I dont know. I guess I will just have to see how things go from here.
Heavenly Father is very very kind as I am here writting broken hearted, frustrated and discouraged my sister Mindy had sent me something in the mail and I was able to get it today, it is a new Hilary Weeks cd called every step and it talks about and songs that really are hitting home. A beautiful Heartbreak and others have been some that I have been able to relate to. A blessing that has come from all of this is that I will be able to see Matthew before he leaves on his mission, and also we will be able to go to the temple as a family to for to take our his indownments which he had never spoke of until now.
I cant wait till I will be able to be back in Nicaragua and this will hopefully be the week of the 16th. I know we go through troubles and hard times to learn and to show our faith and this is a time that I cant not choose when and where I will be serving but I know if I have faith I will be able to make it through this hard time.