Santa came a little late

Things are going great in the mission, I was back with Hna. Galdmez who I just love to death. We were back in the area that I left and just everything was great. We knew that changes were coming up but we didnt know if we were going to have them or not. Honestly I was praying and praying that we wouldnt have changes so that we could be together more time. She is my first companion that I have been with for more then 1 change so it was pretty sweet. Usually I get sick of my comp after 5 weeks so having a new comp every change has been good. But having her was great, we are like gas and fire honestly we just feed off of each other and just go.
Anyways so changes are coming up and were trying to figure out who is going to be training, who is going where, what is going on. We think that we are pretty smart like we can figure out who and what and everything its a great game we play. Anyways so we figured out that Galdamez is going to be training because shes great and well is leaving in 2 changes so perfect to be with her daughter for those two changes. We were on a page for the mission last monday and we saw our names and T next to the both of them. We thought of SHOOT!!! we kinda got a little heads up. I tried getting it out of my friends from the office if we were going to train but they werent giving me anything.
So tuesday night we get the call that she has changes. I start stressing out big time because I am like um what am I going to do? I dont know this area super well, Im not a super great missionary, I cant do this.....
Wednesday at changes sure enough.. Santa came a little late this year and brought me my daughter. I am offically a mom. Great way to start off the new year right? I am stressed out of my mind with this responsibility. Her name is Hna. Queme from Guatemala. She is pretty cool, I think Im going to have a pretty good effect on her seeing how she is super quiet and well Im not so quiet its going to be great.
Im still in my same area still teaching and working and loving it. Pepi this old guy that I just love to death is doing well. He has came to church 2 times now with us and loves going. She loves learning and having us explain things to him. Will see what happens I hope he gets baptized soon. Also we had an amazing miracle take place this week in church. We have been working really hard to help our recent converts because President Arredondo said when we are taking care of them the Lord will bless us with more because obviously they are who we just baptized and if we arent helping and taking care of them they are going to fall away and well why would he bless us with more if the ones we have arent working. So we have been trying to do that and it paid off. We were sitting in church and in walked a recent convert after a recent convert. We had 10 out of our 17 recent converts in church today and 12 out of 17 for the month. I know it might not really matter to who ever is reading this but Im stoked!!! I cant believe it and what a great blessing and answer to prayers this was.
Time is passing by so fast and I cant seem to keep up with it. there is so much that I want and need to do but just dont have time. I get home in the nights and just crash at times I dont even want to brush my teeth or wash my face. I really hate that we have to do that sometimes tho. Anyways its crazy but I love the mission. Its hard work but its worth every hard time, every heart break, every baptism, every recent convert, and every contact. I love talking with these people and honestly dont know what Im going to do when I have to leave.
We are still living 4 hermanas in the house and its a party all the time. I love them and love the relationship we all have.
This gospel does bring happiness into our lives. I am so happy and at times I think its because I have a good comp, or because the people I live with, or because this or that but honestly yes those things have a part in it but no its because this gospel is bringing me this happiness. Its because I get to talk and share and study this daily so that I can learn and I can help others to learn. I love this gospel, I love the stories and the people who have been great examples for us. I love the scriptures and I swear every time we read them we learn more and more its like there are chapters that are new that are put in every time we read them. We can learn and grow just by being obedient and reading them. I know that pray is the communication with God that we have here on the earth and when we are speaking he is listening. I know he answers prayers and in His time. I am grateful for the chances the tests and trails so that I can grow and change and become the daughter of our Heavenly Father that he wants me to be.
remember to be happy this is what Heavenly Fathers us to be.

Day 3

So today is day 3 after my shot and I'm suppose to be feeling like a million bucks. As I went to bed last night with ALOT of pain in my back, not only in my lower back but now into my tailbone and up my back higher. I was for sure that this shot was going to be the ticket and the magic trick to get me back out there quickly and well... It's not. Out of the 8 days i've been home I've been at the doctors 6 of those days trying to get things better and figure out what can help me. Monday I went for the shot, Tuesday to some lady to get my engery flowing the right way or something like that. Then today I went in for acupuncture or however you spell it. They are all telling me I should be feeling these results and feeling a litle better and this and that.
I haven't given up faith and I'm sure not done fighting but it's getting a little frustrating that nothing is working. I am ok with it though, I know that I am here for something and that I'm suppose to be learning and maybe helping other people while I am here. Tomorrow I will be going in for physical therapy to get things working and stretching and strengthing my back.
I love the tender mercies that the Lord gives us. Yesterday as I was reading I was to tired to keep reading and so I stopped thinking that the next chapter was super long and that I wouldn't be able to stay awake to read it. Today after the doctors and after talking with my mom, and feeling a little not uneasy but my mom is worried that I won't be able to return back to Nicaragua and that I will have to serve somewhere else. I had been thinking about it and talking with a friend asking how I would ever be able to accept that and how can I accept the fact if I can't go back out to Nicaragua and also just the whole change. I was taught that it doesn't matter where I serve or what I do as long as I am doing the Lords work, as long and I am being a missionary and teaching and having and helping people change their lives. I walked in the house and started reading my scriptures for comfort and strength. I opened up to where I was and started to read and laughed out loud to my self. I opened to Alma 29 where Alma is saying " O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!" The whole chapter was for me and also what I had came to love and want to do while I was on my mission.
I know that I will be healed and that I will be helped through this hard time and this trial when the Lord wants me to be, that he will heal me the day He wants me to and I will be where He wants me to be. The Lord has a plan for each one of us and it's not what we want sometimes but it's things we learn to love and be grateful for.
I am very grateful for my family, also for the video game "Just Dance" I am thankful for whoever made it up because it has provided me with alot of laughter in my life. I am grateful for my neighbor/mom who has always been there for all my medical needs and questions always looking out for me. I am grateful for my fat dog who still loves me and was very happy to see me when I got home and won't leave my side whenever he does see me. I am thankful for JK who has made my stay here great and the things I've learned from him. I am very thankful for rice packs and blankets and thick socks they have kept feeling in my body how much I miss Nicaragua.
Life is great! and oh heavens... Here comes the snow.

Changes

I'm getting alittle more use to being home which is scary and I don't want to be but don't worry I will be going back out. We have made phone call after phone call to find out what hoops we need to jump through and what we need to do to get me out and running. I have felt like almost everyday i have had an appointment with the doctors and it's pretty much been that way but whatever if thats what I need to do to get me back out there I'll go see them all the time. I am very thankful for them and for their understanding and their love and concern. We have been so blessed to get into returned missionary doctors or they have been able to work us in quickly so that my recovery time and my time home is the fastest it can be.
What we have found out so far is that I need to start a little bit of physical therapy so that we can show them look I am going to be fine out there i know these exercises to do and I will do them to help strengthen my back so that i won't have a problem with it while I am down there. Also we have had to call a few people to just give them heads up's whats going on and how they can help in this. I'm frustrated because it's not the timing that i want. I told my mission president when I first left that I would be back this week. I would have been back to working by now, but like I've said before my timing is not the Lord's timing and well I guess my mind just doesn't capture everything thats going on and understand that it take a little time to get things fixed. We're not just putting a piece of tape over a ripped piece of paper. So far we are hoping for the week of Thanksgiving, keep praying and having faith that this will be the time.
I'm very grateful for the memories I am able to make here while i am here before my brother leaves for his missoin and for the insight that I am able to teach him. Believe me I am no professional and I don't know everything but i am able to read with Map and stephen in the mornings and teach them a little bit and help them understand a little bit more. I'm grateful for my zone back in Leon Nicaragua who gave me a surprise phone call yesterday and made my day a little better and reminded me that i am loved and missed.
I'm grateful for warm blankets because I am freezing here and socks and sweats. It's a little bit of a different temp here then in Nicaragua I don't think I have been able to feel my feet since I have gotten here.
I'm grateful for goot parents who are going to work their very hardest to get me better and get me back out there, who will call the people for me and get everything worked out because I sure don't want to do that.
I'm grateful for the scriptures and for the comfort that they bring and the teachers we can recieve from them. In many cases bad things happen to good people. In the scriptures we read abou people wo are going to respect their convents they have made wih the Lord and not go to battle with others, or who are trying to be faithful and bad things happen to them. Many people while reading these stories would go, why is the lord doing this? Hello these people are trying to be good, they are doing what is right and they die? Everyhing is in the Lord's hands and happens for a reason. When we feel as though we are trying our best to be good, that we are doing everything we can we are still going to face hard times and have trials that we pass through. It is part of life and part of a learning experience in our lives. I am very grateful for the Lord and His love for me for giving me these are times and trials. I love the talk about the little current bush from last Aprils conference about the gardener loving the bush so much that he is will to cut him down so he can grown into what he wants him to be. If we can remember this while we are going through hard times that we really are loved and that when we finish this refining we are going to be better, but also it is our job to make ourselves better. To understand that He loves us so much to do this. That he hears our prayers and is going to answer not in our time but in his time. We need to keep being faithful and keep pushing forward there is a light at the end of the tunnel just keep going, one foot infront of the other and we will get there.
I'm so very blessed and thankful for this gospel in my life so that I can grow and that I can know these teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and His father our Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the Atoneing sacrifice for me so that the mistakes that I have made and that I will make I can become clean, I can be forgien and I can be reminded that someone else has felt the way I have felt before. That I am not alone and that I can be freeed from this feeling if I but turn to the Lord and simple ask for help.We need to ask and to communicate with the Lord, He can read our minds but he has given us our agency and our free will .He is not going to step in and take over with out us asking for it. Just like in a car you can not be on cruise control if you do not put in on. Pray to him and ask him for whatever you need the blessings and comfort we will recieve is unbelievable. This I testify of in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

As for the back, here is day 2 after the shot and I feel a little better but I still have pain. I don't know if it's because the shot or just different things working I'm hoping it will continue to get better and to go away. Will see how it feels later on and tomorrow.

update

So yesterday I went in for my shot and things went well. They were able to find the right spot and get the steriods in there. I felt fine, I walked out of the office good to go. The nurse told me that I wasn't to do ANYTHING. Not to move, walk, bend, lift just do nothing for the day. I asked her if I could play just dance, the game my family has just interduced me to. She laughed and didn't know how to take me, if she should take me serious and also what and how to answer that. She laughed nervously and said no but you can be the judge and hold up the score.
my mom was so excited for me to be home and that we can go to Savers 99 cents Mondays and I told her no mom, I can't do anything. we went home and a few hours later my mom got a great idea. She told me Sabrina, there is a wheel chair up at the city we take that and go! We loaded it up and went shopping for the Hermanas that are in Nicaragua who wanted me to bring back a few things. I just laughed because of how serious she was about this plan so that I can go to Savers. I don't know if just the shot or sitting in a wheel chair for hours is what did it but I was in alot of pain. I do have to say i would never want it but I would make a good person in a wheel chair.
Today I am feeling a little bit better I still have some pain and maybe it's still because of the shot but I think it's helping. I should start feeling and knowing if the shot works more by tomorrow or by Thursday. I was very excited and hopefull because I had my shot in and had an appointment for the next Monday for my follow up and then I would be gone the 15 or 16th I was happy and thinking YES everything is working out how it's suppose to be.
My mom called this doctor who in charge of me while I am home, as she was explaining and telling him whats going on and what has happened. She hung up the phone and told me that I won't be leaving next week and we have to work and pray really hard because the doctor told her that I might need to except the fact that I won't be going back to Nicaragua and that I might not be going back out on my mission. This news for the both of us was very frustrating and sad, but I am still hopeful and not to worried about it because I know I will be going back out on my mission, I have a good stake president who will go to bat for me.
This is very frustrating, and hard for me to except that all of this is going on. It's very hard for me to be here and not in my mission, i feel horrible and I just have alot of shame being here. But i am thankful for the testimony and the strength that i have gained from the few months I have been out so that I can help strengthen my family and also others around me.
I'm very thankful for the missionaries in my mission and for the strength and support they are giving me and for the encouragement that they also give. i am very blessed and very thankful. Also I am thankful for my family, for the work they are doing and for how they are here to take care of me and help me. I am very thankful for the game Just Dance so that I can laugh me head off while my mom stays up all night playing it. I am thankful for the fact i can talk with my sister in canada and see my new little nephew. thank you technology, and also thank you for all our personalities. I am also very thankful for good friends who are always there for me. No matter what they are listening and they are great teachers for me. I'm very grateful for my life and for the trials we go through.

1 Year many more to go.

It has been a year from today that I went through the temple for the first time, as I said yesterday I was able to go to the temple with my mom and was able to sit and think about the convenants that I made and also the feelings and reminders how I want to live so that I can be with Heavenly Father again.
Today I was super nervous to get up and share my testimony with everyone because I just feel like I blab on and on and that my thoughts are always scattered brained, its so much easier for me to express myself in spanish and I am alot less nervous. After trying to talk myself out of it I got up and shared my testimony. I knew that many where thinking what? why is she here? has it really been a year and a half? I quickly but the thoughts and wondering down and told why I was there but also just started to bare my testimony. I prayed before hand to be a instrument in the hand of the Lord that I would be able to share my testimony and help someone here who is listening. I was trying my hardest not to cry or just lose it and I thought I was doing well till I brought up Nicaragua and I started to lose it but quickly regained everything. I started talking and testifying of the love the Lord has for us and that He is always there and knows each one of us and loves us. I saw a few wet eyes in the crowd and was trying my hardest not to look at them because I would lose it even more but I sat down and was juse like feeew I am done with that.
I was told by a few people that they really enjoyed my testimony and that they really needed to hear that. I felt good about that and thought well maybe thats why I was suppose to come home and to have them hear my testimony.
I was sitting in mission prep today which heavens I think i have everyone beat at mission prep I have taken it for years and years but as we were sitting in mission prep the teacher was explaining to us about how our parents feel because there were two missionaries leaving and me and then another return missionary sitting in the class. He was saying how happy it makes our parents and how we are keeping the commandment of God by honoring them. I thought about when my dad saw me coming down the stairs at the airport and smiled HUGE and ran over and gave me big hug he related that to our Heavenly Father how its going to be when we return back to him how He will be running to us to hug us and to thank us for our servious and for helping Him build his kingdom and helping His children come back to him. That hit really deep for me to just think of that and from having that experience with my dad at the airport to think thats how its going to be when I get to return to my father in Heaven its going to be amazing and I cant wait.
Tomorrow I go in for my shot and I'm praying everything goes well so I can be back in Nicaragua quickly. I'll keep you updated

Understanding

I really dislike when we have time to just think and have our minds racing. I've had a few days to myself to just think and dream. In the mission we always joke about having a super Pday if we could just go to our houses for like 3 days or something see our families, eat the food we miss, and change our clothes out because we are sick of them. Here I am living the dream, and it sucks! I love being home with my family and seeing them but I would give anything to just be back in Nicaragua and back to working. At times I have thought and complained about being with a girl 24/7 because sometimes they just really get on my nerves but right now I would love to have my companion right next to my side.
I'm very lucky to have this time and this chance to really think about how my mission is going so far and what things I need to and want to change so that i can be a better person and a better missionary. For all those ex missionaries I know you would agree that having time to look and see things from a different perspective would help alot. Right now is just my half time and I am making my game plan to get back out there and playing my game and I'm going to win. I dont know why and I think alot of times why am I so blessed? why does Heavenly Father give me all these things I do not deserve them. I have my dream mission, great people I have met there, and now living the dream of some missionaries. Maybe I just have alot to learn.. I'll be the first one to say that I have alot alot to learn, I just hope and pray that one day I will able to learn it all.
Yesterday as I wrote in the mid of frustration and a breakdown I wasnt thinking clearing or understanding exactly what was going on with my back. To me having those fatty tumors is a serious thing, as my mom and others have explained to me that this right now is a big thing, this bulging disc right now we have catch it before it has gotten worse and before I had to get something fixed with surgery. With this shot they will be giving me on Monday will help strengthen and prolong and maybe help with this for now. As time goes on we can live on these shots or if things get worse I will be looking for surgery. I feel dumb because I am here in my house to get a shot in my back, but still after much praying trying to understand why I am here and praying to try and help me to understand why I am here why is this happening and if He could help me wrap my head around this. I have learned that I may not really understand why I am here at this time and may not get my answer until further down the road, now is just a time to push on and put my faith in the Lord and try to be the best I can and continue to serve and help others while I am here. Some of the reasons medically why I'm here is because of the pain, I am here because in Nicaragua they dont have the technology to be doing this, I will be getting a shot in the area they give you the shot when you are going to be having a baby. they will inject a dye and then the shot and we will know within a few days if it is working. I am postive it will and then I will be shortly back to the mission.
I'm very grateful for really good friends who have been there for me to help me through this and help me wrap my head a little around this and to calm me down.
One thing I havent done in a while is go to the temple I got to go to the Bountiful temple today with my mom, as we drove through the snow to the temple the peaceful and wonderful feeling the temple brings was something I had been missing for so many months. I love the temple, I love the tender mercies of the Lord and seeing His hand in my life. He hears you, continue to pray always.

My ways are not your ways.

I can not deny that the Lord loves me and hears prayers and answers them and that he prepares a way for men to accompish the things that he commands them to do. The last doctors appointment was today after getting right in to every doctor very quickly the first day I was home to the quick MRI to the specialist appointment today to read my MRI. I was for sure that it was the little lypoma tumors that were the things that were bugging me in my back and causing me to much pain. As the doctors were talking to us and doing the routine checks I was just thinking why am I even here I know whats wrong with me, I know how to fix it I need these lumps taken out and I am good to go. As the doctor continued to talk and explain that I have a bulging disk in my back and that is what is pushing on the nerves and that is what is hurting my back not the tumors. (so they say) I am having a very hard time excepting that answer and that with just a very little shot it will be fixed or wont hurt me anymore.
Heavenly Father has planned all this out for me we were able to get all the doctors quickly, we were able to get the quickest appointment for this shot even though the doctor was booked out for a few weeks. He made a change and he got me in early Monday morning. I cant say that Heavenly Father has left me alone but just right now I just feel so dumb, and so frustrated with all the is going on because I am home from my mission for a shot in my back. I feel dumb seeing people like others are judging me but also I am wasting the Lords time being here at my house. Its very hard for me to handle this and understand why this had to happen to me right now and I know I should never ask that but it just doesnt make sense to me.
There are good things about being in my house all the missionaries always are saying they wish they could be home for a few days and just see their families and get a fresh new look on the mission and things I need to change and to fix. Right now its just a test of faith I guess. Just like the scritpure that says my ways are not your ways neither are my thoughts your thoughts. Maybe I will be able to understand this down the road or maybe this is part of my mission to be serving here in my house to help my brothers and my family out I dont know. I guess I will just have to see how things go from here.
Heavenly Father is very very kind as I am here writting broken hearted, frustrated and discouraged my sister Mindy had sent me something in the mail and I was able to get it today, it is a new Hilary Weeks cd called every step and it talks about and songs that really are hitting home. A beautiful Heartbreak and others have been some that I have been able to relate to. A blessing that has come from all of this is that I will be able to see Matthew before he leaves on his mission, and also we will be able to go to the temple as a family to for to take our his indownments which he had never spoke of until now.
I cant wait till I will be able to be back in Nicaragua and this will hopefully be the week of the 16th. I know we go through troubles and hard times to learn and to show our faith and this is a time that I cant not choose when and where I will be serving but I know if I have faith I will be able to make it through this hard time.

October

A quick update, I have finally gotten out of the city since being in there for over 4 months, I have to admit i have never loved the city well to visit yes but it stresses me out thats for sure. Also I just like being laid back and free to roam and not worry about a huge bus or car or motorcycle killing me if Im not always watching my back. Also I do not miss walking in the roads when they are flooded with water knowing that each step I take into the water is nastey sewer water I am walking into.
Not all was bad about the city I learned alot about myself and about how to be a missionary and a person that my Heavenly Father wants me to be. Im not saying that I am perfect and I have everything figured out thats for sure but I have learned alot in just a little bit of time. Also the people I was able to met and to talk to while I was there have had and will forever have a huge impact on my life. At times I felt like I was doing nothing! No one wanted to talk with the Missionaries and no one wanted to go to church everyone just wanted to lie to us and just say they go to another church. My hopes and faith in people were fading quickly and also I had my had times with my three comps that I had in that time period. For those who are counting yes I have had a companion every change a new one honestly its pretty nice becaused sometimes I get sick of girls. I ask myself alot of times I gave up getting married or doing other things to come and live with a girl 24/7 I just dont get along with them very well. I have thought many times to ask my mission president if I could just be companions with the elders but I am pretty sure he would say no to that so I havent asked.
I will never forget Hna. Carlos Lopez we contacted him and I told him it was his lucky day he thought we were coming to give him money or something but no we just came to invite him to go to church. He told me he had to go to the dentist sunday so he couldnt come to church I thought he was lying and was like whatever! He went back and thaught him and he never missed a church activity since. He told us he needed to get baptized and was going to get baptized on his birthday the 12th of nov.. For a missionary that is like crap! he was going to wait 2 months to get baptized I was crushed because I knew I wasnt going to be there for it. For my birthday he called to wish me a happy birthday and told me he was going to get baptized that saturday. He showed up a hour early to his baptism and was just great he told me to take a picture of him sitting in a chair in his baptism clothes he can speak a little english so in his broken english he told me take my picture and he just sat there smiling. He reminds a little of my grandpa J they way he sits and looks. When he came up out of the water after his baptism and also coming down off the stand after the comfermation he gave us the peace sign. I love that old guy.
The family Jammey and Hna. rebekah I wont forget either they were so sweet and willing to do anything. My little boyfriend bradley who also spoke a little english told us he was strong. Whenever we would walk in he would tell us to ´sit down please´ it was so cute. Hna. Estella who turned to me my first sunday in the city and told me " I think I need to be baptized " I didnt know what to say because I didnt really speak spanish and didnt know if I understood her correctly. I asked if she was a member she said no thats why I need to get baptized. I quickly found a elder and he talked with her and that Wendesday she was batpized. The family medina who where the family who cooked for us they turned into my family and I just loved being with them and talking with them. We would play uno every sunday night for PREP PDAY!
I love the mission with all my heart and there is no whree else I would rather be. At times I think what am I going to do when I go home? I dont want to leave this place, the city was ugly but the people and the culture and everything I just love. The family Medina and also the elders I was with, I kept telling everyone I was born the wrong race and they soon quickly started telling me that as well.
I am no opening an area that was the South mission that we just got its called Nagarote I love it. It reminds me alot of my first area but its just a small in the middle of no where place that you just pass by to things you dont ever stop there for anything its like fillmore when you are on your way to St. George. The people here are so humble and sweet and willing to listen, still we are working on the not being liars part but whatever. I am living with 3 other hnas. and I just love it. I am with Hna. Galdamez again and I love her to pieces I also love my comp Hna. Menendez shes great and super sweet a hard worker they both are from El. Salvador I love the people from there I will for sure visit but things are just going great. I almost have a year in the mission and I love every minute of it. The hard times, the sad times, the funny times, the rain and rain and more rain.
So recently in Managua well about 2 months ago my back started giving my problems. Last summer I had a surger to remove fatty tumors that I had in my back they were removed and everything was fine. I came out on the mission with out a problem until now... I started with this pain in my back that I couldnt get rid of then I started feeling the same way that I did before I had my surger that my back would buckle and pain and just not good things. So went to the doctor and she told me to take 800mg of IB profein and we will be looking into what we can do. With this 800mg it wasnt helping me. I kept asking Galdamez for something else because she is a nurse and she said I couldnt take anything else and still work. I thought its fine I will just put my big girl pants on and go to work. I tried doing that and am still doing that. They have but me on bed rest for right now, I cant leave to go out and work, I cant do anything. Its horrible I hope I never have to be like this again I am going crazy. I read, cook, clean, write letters just do a bunch of things and when I look at the clock its still only 5 in the after noon I wait by the door till the other Hnas. come home just like a little kids its horrible. I am sorry for any of you who are on bed rest I know how you feel!
At times I just think why is this happening now? I have so much to do here, I love this area I love my comp I need to work I am here for a reason why is this happening now. I have had many moments where I have got different answers and different tests and strength. I know that things are going to be ok and that this is suppose to pass at this time in my mission. I know that there are things to learn and from this I will be a better person and I will learn and also feel better. Sometimes God calms the storms and sometimes God strengthens his children so they can make it through the stroms. I know that I am not alone that I have many prayers in my behave and I am very grateful for them. I am very grateful for my testimony of this gospel and for the strength it gives me daily.
As I encouage everyone always to start reading the book of mormon your life will change and you will be blessed because of it. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. The blesses we recieve when we are obedient and the blessings we can recivev if we just sacrifice just a little bit. I love my Savior and My Heavenly Father with all my heart and am so grateful for the chance I have to be a missionary and a instrument in the hands of Him. This gospel is so true I know with all my heart. I love you all
Hna. Evans

1 Week.

One week from today I will going into the MTC in Provo. I am a little sad to leave but honestly after the snow storm yesterday and a little today all I keep thinking is seven more days then I don't have to drive in this two years!! That is one of the happiest thoughts in my head right now that soon enough I will be out of this cold weather and into the heat. Bring it on.

Again I just have to say it's not very easy being a girl and trying to pack. I have to many outfits and to many things that I want to pack and take because I don't have a Walmart or something to just run to in the middle of the night or at anytime if I have forgotten anything. I did get my police letter sent off again saying I have no criminal record thank heavens. But at least they will let me in Nicaragua with that. It's ok tho because I don't plan on coming home with all my stuff that I take down so at least I have enough to share with everyone :D

Life has been good lately and things have been good. I have seen things more clearly thanks to a friend and have realized that I can do hard things and even tho I'm sad or it's hard to handle or think that life could be different there is always a light at the end of the tunnle and when you make it there the warmth and sunshine is great! There are times in life were your heart literally hurts and it's proven that people DO really die of a broken heart, but anyways at times where you literally have pain and you don't know how to make it stop and to go away. Just remember there is a light and to go towards it.

I can't wait to teach the people of Nicaragua and to be taught by them. I spoke on Christlike Attributes on Sunday and will again on this Sunday but in my head I picture the people of Managua with all of these attributes and how they will teach me truely how to be Christlike. I haven't mastered them or any of the other things that I have learned but little by little I can see myself becoming a better person and my life being happier. No I might not be the most popular and spending time with my family isn't always by choice but I still am happier.

7 days and counting it's crazy and I'll try my best to keep up on this while I'm out there and hopefully my family will maybe post letters but I'll do my best.

One talk down and one more to go, I can't believe that this is my last full week before I leave to the MTC. After giving my talk today in the singles ward again checking things off I also got to check off graduating from my mission prep class. After trying to take it once and getting kicked out only a few weeks into it for being a distraction. I took it again when I found out who the teachers were. I have only been in that class for 2 years now and honestly in a way it doesn't feel like it's been that long but then again it has been alot of Sundays of missing dinners or other things to go to mission prep. But I've learned alot from that class and also the dedication to going where I should be for preparing for my mission.

My attitude has changed and I can't wait till I leave and get to serve the Lord. He has strengthened me and helped me through these things of preparing and I have been taught so much I feel like I didn't really need to be in mission prep because of the so many things that I've learned just waiting to leave.

I've learned that even though I don't know everything thats how I'm suppose to be. To be humble and to be able to admit it. It's only when we humble ourselves and admit that we don't know everything that the Lord can use us and that we can be tools and His hands. Even tho I only give primary answers primary answers are what those who don't know about the gospel are going to need.

10 days and counting then I will not have to drive in the snow for 2 years :D I can not wait!

Broken Things to Mend

It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control only when he removed his glance from the master to look at the furious waves and the omnous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In the newer terror he cried out, "Lord, save me"

undoubtedly with some sadness, the master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and sidappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drwoning disciple with the gentle rebuke, "o thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt.

Jeffrey R. Holland

For a while now I've struggled with different trial and tests that have been put in my path as I prepare to leave. I've thought my life had been easy and my biggest tests were what shoes should I wear with this outfit? I knew that my time would come and I would get my world a little shaken. Have my tests been big, no I haven't had anyone die, or had to walk across the plains. Have I had to sell all I own to be able to pay for things no, but I have had my own trials and struggles as expected.

Jeffrey R. Holland teaches us that while are eyes are fixed upon Christ or upon the things Christ would have us do we are safe and able to accomplish the things that we need and that we want. It is only when he take our eyes off our Savior that we being to sink. How often in life do we take our eyes off the Savior? How often do we think that we can do things on our own? We know what to do like praying and readying and going to church everyweek but is that all he asks of us? Can we do more? Honestly in life it's not the easiest or the "coolest" thing to always think Hmmm if I do this is it going to effect my eternal happiness? Yes I'm sure we do ask ourselves that when we are thinking about doing something really bad or stupid but more the most part in life we don't.

Lately i've thought and focused on how things have sucked and things are going to be different and hard. After listening and reading this talk I've learned and have seen how fast I have begun to sink.

Our Heavenly Father and Savior are so kind to us in life, they know exactly what we need. They know what we are going to do in life and what is going to happen to us and even when we do things we know are wrong they are there to welcome us back with open arms. Some many times we do things to make ourselves sink and we cry out "Lord, save me." And as always He is there to pull us to safety. But does rebuke us and say "O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt." When in the middle or hard times we don't always have the faith that we should but when we see the light or we have hit rock bottom we cry out. Our Heavenly Father loves us and I'm so excited to go and to teach the people of Nicaragua that they are loved and that they can be saved and to bring back the knowledge that they once had. This is an amazing talk I advice you to read it and reread it. Our Savior lives and he loves us, He atoned for our sins that he knew we would do because he loves us and wants us to live with him and our Father in Heaven again. Our prayers are answered maybe not in the time that we want but they are heard and answered in the time that we need. We need to be still, to quite the noise of the world and listen. We can't change the way or God's will but He knows what he is doing and what will happen and what will make us happy so trust in him, have faith in him and go forward.

Growing we do it every day

Over the last month and a half I have had alot of time to myself to think about things and about my life. At conference Elder Uchtdorf talked about slowing down in life, Jonathan and I laughed about it as we walked out of conference and now and then send little reminders through text for each other to slow down slow way down. To be honest I really liked that talk but haven't really thought about it since conference.

My new found love is doing puzzles when I'm thinking or upset or frustrated with life and because I haven't been sleeping very well at nights so I do puzzles to think and make myself fall asleep. Doing a 1000 piece puzzle gives you alot of time to reflect and think about things. Like I said over the last month and a half I have realized that alot of things I use to worry or get worked up over don't really matter anymore. People always say that the most important things in life are your family and the people you care about that how you should fill your time. As I've had time to spend with my family I've learned about them and have built greater friendships with them. And the people I care about I care about them more. It's true how being away from people makes you love them even more and see them for who they really are.

I took for grantite alot of things and ways very self centered. No I'm not perfect now and I'm not still a little selfish (don't ever try to take my food when I'm hungry it will be the end of our friendship) but things that I use to get bothered by I look back and think wow how dumb way I. I got bothered by this person? I was mean about being around these people? I judged them and didn't even know them and before I could get to know them I already decided I wouldn't like them because she acted like she didn't know what was going on, or he just talked about himself, or he always has to be with us. Sadly I missed out on making alot more memories and friends. In the act of slowing down I have slowed down. I don't always go 80 on the freeway which I would always do. I don't always go the speed limit when I'm driving I catch myself just driving along and then I look down and think what the heck I'm not even going 40 in a 45!! We race along in life tring to get to the next place in time to the next memory or event so fast we don't know what we're missing or really even what we are seeing because we pass it so fast. Maybe it's just really have no time limit right now in life. Being able to come and go when I please because of the mish but it's nice to just be zoned out and relax a little bit.

A really good and close friend of mine taught me that you have to communicate in life. Funny huh, I think that if you don't bring it up it will just go away. Preparing for my mission and doing puzzles I've learned I can't do that. It doesn't help and no one knows what I'm really thinking or feeling so how can that make anything better? I was wrong and this good friend was right. How did I ever think I would have a good relationship without this? Again I was self centered and didn't know anything.

My blinders have been removed and Heavenly Father is letting me see things and grow and learn these things honestly I wish I would of know a while ago, but as taught me these things and as shown me how good I had had things and how bad a treated them and how foolish and dumb that I was. I'm sorry for being in my own little world. My life was good and is good and will be better now that I know these things.
It's hard to see what we have when we have it. But when it's gone we realize what we really had. Take a minute no take five minutes and write down all the things you have. Write down what you love about someone, write down what they do for you. No one is perfect and we all have things that bug someone but those are just little quirks that make that person that person. Try to be better and show more emotion and love. Yes I Sabrina Evans do believe in love it took an amazing person to teach me that love exists but I do believe in it now. Anyways try to be better and listen, talk, spend time, think of others put yourself in their shoes don't lose the things that you have over selfish reasons.

Time flies! Everyone says that the mission will fly by and I laughed because it's 18 months come on that doesn't fly by just ask people in school, or someone pregnant 9 months doesn't fly by but if it's anything like the time now i'll be home before Christmas. I just watched Inception again and my life feels like that. I feel like I'm dreaming, and the time now is like when I'm sleeping how it is times by like 10 or something like that. Don't worry if you didn't understand this analogy I still don't fully understand the movie and I've seen it twice.
In two weeks from today I will be on my way to the MTC at this time to do my tuck and roll out of the van with my bags because of the short time they give you which I'm a really big fan of because I wasn't about to go watch a movie and bawl my eyes out then leave. I'm not a huge fan of showing my emotions I cry when I laugh and thats about the only time I let people see me cry. But again learning and thinking over the puzzle you have to show emotions no not cry all the time but show emotions so that you can be normal.

I'm really happy about these things that I've learned and the knowledge that we gain daily. I'm greatful for really good friends who put up with alot of crap and alot of emotion roller coasters. I'm greatful for the things that they have taught me and the love that they have shown me without them I don't know what my life would be. Heavenly Father blesses us with the people we need in our life at the times we need them the most and I'm very greatful for that. I know that our Father in Heaven hears and answers our prayers. I know that he loves us and that he knows each and everyone of us. He truely wants us to be happy and loves to bless us and help us along our way. I'm greatful for the comfort and love that he has shown me and the prayers that have been answered in my behalf. Never feel like you can't talk to him because he wants to talk to you. Talk to him about any little thing in life, your sad, your happy you need help finding a job talk to him and you will be amazed at how much he will bless you.

Blinders

Every time I post a new blog while I'm typing in my head is the voice of the lady off of you got mail. I guess that's what blogs do to you.
Days are flying bye like never before in my life I wake up one day and it's Monday the next thing I know it's Friday. That's great and wished it would of happened like that back in high school or when I had something exciting going on on the weekends, but since it's putting me closer to leaving it's getting alittle scary.

It's funny how when you get you'r call everyone is super excited for you to go and all on board. And when the days get closer and closer everyone changes their minds. I'm not going to lie I've thought to myself time and time again, I don't have to go I'm a girl, I don't have to do this I can just say no, My life is good how it is now I can just go back to it and continue on. It's hard to leave what you only know and what you love. It's hard to think that friends will be married in the time that you're gone. That people will be graduated. That the life I once had won't be the same anymore.

Sometimes I think that life would be easier if.... I was a boy because then I would of already went and I'm done and back to life before I knew any better. Or if we were all robots and had to feelings then we wouldn't cry when we left or really even care for the matter.
It's funny how little things seem to be HUGE and effect us in so many ways. As we go through life we have blinders like horses do when they race so they can't see the other horses or anything else. As we grow up our blinders slowy get smaller and smaller and then they are gone. We see the world as it really is and how people really are sometimes. We our problems and want what other people have. As the world opens up to us and we see how it is, it makes us want to crawl under the fort blanket and never come out. As my blinders have slowly came off and will continue to come off even more when i'm in Nicaragua I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. Were taught to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit, with no blinders I don't see how you can't have those. There are days now that I feel like I can't go on, there is to much bad in the world and I'm to sad and it's scary to think that how I feel now will be doubled when I get out on my mission and start to teach and see those who have nothing, those who know that the gospel is true but Satan gets to them and they quit listening. To see that my companions might not always see eye to eye with me and that cooking for myself is hard, but I know that I will be taken care of and no matter what pain and heart break I'm going through that the Savior knows how I feel.

I was taught during a rough month that the Atonement isn't just for when we sin. The Atonement is for everything in life. When we are sad, lonely, angry, disappointed and feeling like no one knows how we could possibly feel. I know we have all heard it before, but the Savior knows how we feel. We need to turn to him and turn our feelings towards him because he knows how we feel and we need to give him those feelings because he has already atoned for them so we don't have to feel that way anymore. Does that mean we don't have to go through the trial or hard time we are going through? No, we still have to learn and to go through them because by turning our feelings over to him we grow and are comforted. I said before I can do hard things and so can you! Life isn't easy and it won't ever be. We will always have problems that will come up but we can get through them. And when you're done with that trial just think of what lies ahead for you when your done. I know it's going to be something amazing!
If anyone is thinking about going on a mission it's not easy and the trials and test you go through before you even get to the MTC are pretty darn hard, but go forward with faith and trust in the Lord and He will bless you. Everything might not be there when you get home and thats a little scary but you will be provided for and whats meant to be will always find it's way.

3 Weeks Away.

When you first get your call everything is super exciting and new. Your going somewhere amazing you have forever to get things ready so thats not really on the top of your list of things to do. Last Sunday sitting outside waiting for the Bishop to have my reccomend interview it hit me.. HOLY COW I'm really doing this. I'm going through the temple in less then a week. I'm going on a mission in 3 weeks.

Garment shopping was a JOKE for someone who hates and can't make up her mind there was alot of chosing to do there. The little old lady that was helping us was more confusing then help (bless her heart tho) she kept showing us the ones we didn't want and we could ask her are you sure we want those she is going somewhere hot and she would say oh no no these aren't good then. Finally we just slipped away and got what we thought i would like. We thought pretty hard when I put them on in the temple tho and it looked like I had a Barbie doll top on.

The Temple was amazing and I'm so greatful for those who could be there and share that time with me. I went through the Draper temple on Saturday the 6th and it was beautiful. We got there a little early so we had to wait for a little bit which kinda got to me after a little while because thats a long time and I was hungry.

So of course I'm going to have a few problems along the way before I leave. One of those problems are... My clothes alone take up my big suitcase. I'm not over packing they told me to bring 8 to 10 outfits.. And I have that many just maybe a few more shirts so that makes the count go up. Other then that I think things are going great. Just finishing up getting the last little bit of things. It's so crazy to think I'm really leaving, I'm really doing this!
I'm a lot nervous to speak in church because it's never been my favorite and there will be quiet a few people there. It's a great learning experience tho.

Heavenly Father is very kind and he hears and answers are prayers and even when we don't ask for it he gives us things and calms our mind. I know that this is the true Church on earth and we are so lucky to have it. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a true Prophet of God and leads and guides us in these days. The church is true keep working on things no one is perfect.

Getting Things Ready

Check, Check, and check..
I guess after having my call over a month I better get started on the things that I need to get done like my visa, temple prep, buying clothes and shoes and fun things like that.
I had to drive to Logan a couple of weeks ago and on the way up to Logan I realized that the place was closed because it was Friday. I had a nice drive and visited First Damn. I love going there and watching the ducks they are so funny and fun to watch. When I was little we use to go there all the time and steal the ducks eggs (I was just a brat and duck killer when I was little) but maybe that is why the geese would chase me and bite my butt because I would take there eggs. Anyways it was a nice drive and time to just reflect and chill. I had to make another trip up there tho to really get my birth certificate and that trip was a success after paying $18 dollars for my own birth certificate then another $15 to get a piece of paper attached to it with a stamp on it saying it's legit that part was ready to send in for my visa. I had to also get a police letter saying I have no record of any sort which I'm happy to say I don't but also geeze I should of gone out a lived a little when I was younger but I had to pay another $15 dollars to get the same piece of paper and stamp. And a crap load of pictures that cost a arm and a leg to get like $30 dollars so those who are keeping track for my wonderful visa with all my papers and my pictures cost me $78 dollars. I took a trip to St. George after sending that off because I thought I deserved it for not putting it aff that much. Anyways my mom got a phone call while I was gone saying Nicaragua won't except my police letter because it's to early and that I don't need a visa because I'm just going to be a tourist? This would of been nice to know maybe a few weeks ago after I did all this. Oh well thats checked off.
I had my first lesson in temple prep last Sunday and it wasn't to bad. I get to have to rapid fire approach to it because I had put that off to much. I made my temple date and November 6th at 2:00 I will be going through the Draper temple :D oh wow is this kinda alot of pressure. I'm really excited and it's going to be a good thing. Mindy is coming down to be with us for that weekend and I'm excited to see her and have her here with me.
I have my bags from Jonathan for christmas so I don't have to worry about that. He also for my birthday go my so very nice shoes for my mission. Mindy got me my passport over a year ago so I don't have to worry about that. I think I have the clothes part taken care of since I have two closets and two dressers but still clothes all over the place because they don't fit anywhere. I'm just ready to go I feel like my world has crashed and burned and I'm ready to just run away and be gone.
My farewell is going to November 28th so right after thanksgiving which I'm happy I still get to be here for that because food is delicious but then I'm off.